Gripes: Monday, February 4, 2013

You see a man walking down the sidewalk, confident, well dressed. His hair in the perfect trend of the season, his timeless Wayfarers being timeless (maybe they're even tortoiseshell). The perfectly maintained shoes he is wearing are of obvious quality, and probably his most prized possession.

Unfortunately, you didn't see any of that because his reflective metallic purple trench coat is so blisteringly bright that the only thing you want from him is his Wayfarers so you can stop your retinas from bleeding.  And then a nearby truck comes down the road, for some reason with its brights on, and wham-o! the glasses shatter from the intense burst of light. Somewhere an astronaut has a sunspot in his eye from where this guy is standing, and, unable to wipe away his eye pain with his mitted astronaut hand, slowly goes insane. Don't make an astronaut go crazy, and for god's sake, don't wear this coat.

Is that a bedazzled leather jacket? No? Oh, it's only a foil covered leather bomber jacket made of the most pristine vibrant colors to make you stand out perfectly in your sartorial prowess, while you wear your everyday business suit underneath. Tag line: Make Everyday Casual Friday. Or maybe: Wear this coat, they'll match your hammer pants! I imagine Kanye dressed up in this thing telling us about Kim and her stunning personality. When this jacket hits any scene it bombastically exclaims: "I'mma let ya finish, but..." as mouths all around the club fall open, conversations stop, and records scratch songs out.

This guy is the coolest of cool. But let's break this down. Ankle high wool socks and suede boots: winter, potentially fall. Cozy looking gloves with a buttoned cardigan all the way up to your neck: winter, possibly fall. Sunglasses: any season really. Blue and brown aztec patterned shorts (or swimsuit?): most certainly summer. Like the heat of summer. Like when all of your clothes are soaked with the sweat of three weeks of double wearing and you ran out of laundry quarters and you have to venture outside when underwear is not a viable option. The kind of summer that leaves you wondering if you're about to spontaneously combust or not. Actually, the only applicable time to wear these is when you're about to jump into a pool of magma so that they'll burn off you quicker than your skin, but only just. Don't get me started on the distinct separation and confusion of seasons in this outfit. What, is this guy surfing in a hot tub in Aspen? Just don't do it, people.